Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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