You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
