This is not my ceiling
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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