I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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