Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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