After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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