Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
