I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
