I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
