Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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