Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
