Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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