I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
