I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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