I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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