i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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