afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
