i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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