I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have already put on my inside pants.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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