as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
