I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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