..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
