so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
