Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize