apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
