As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
