I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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