Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
