I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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