You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
