so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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