'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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