Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
