i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Randomize
