Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
