so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
