dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
