Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
