Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
