You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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