i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
