I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
