So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Randomize
