Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
