im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
