I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
