dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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