I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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