Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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