I am puke
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
