Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
