I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
