I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize