Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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