Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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