She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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