I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
