quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
