I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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