My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
accomplished twins. life is a go
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize