I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
