She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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