We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
