I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
