I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
