I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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