Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
