I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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