how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
time to smoke my breakfast
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
