That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
