sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Also, beer. Big fan.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize