If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
