No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize