Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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